It’s always Autumn in England

be prepared for a little bit of a change around here….

and no, i am not pregnant

I have been reading the book Third Culture Kids by David Pollock and Ruth Reken over the last few weeks. The last two chapters have really hit home with me. Chapter 10 is called Developmental Issues and chapter 11 is Unresolved Grief. I will write a little bit more about them in a minute, but there are a few other general points I want to share too.

The phrase, "with one plane ride…" comes up ALL THE TIME in this book. Literally, one plane ride is HUGE in the life of a TCK. I think that explains why I feel so comfortable on a plane, and at the same time, I hate every minute of flying.

I am going to deviate from deviating: if you want to know more, I have written about this before, so read this post. Or, this is a description in the Introduction of the book, "Third CUlture Kids (TCKs) are not new, and they are not few. They have been a part of the earth’s population from the earliest migrations. They are normal people with the usual struggles and pleasures of life. But because they have grown up with different experiences from those who have lived primarily in one culture, TCKs are sometimes seen as slightly strange by the peple around them."
This explains the feeling that no matter where a TCK lives, they never feel 100% at home, or accepted. They will always stand out just a little bit in whatever culture they live in.

Well, anyway, back to the two chapters that have stood out to me so much. I had some great wisdom given to me when I was struggling with the decision to leave England (host culture) and move to America (birth culture). Essentially, my friend told me that I needed to break the emotional tie that I felt, and allow myself to grieve that loss. Here is what the book says,

Next to sorting out their sense of personal identity, unresolved grief ranks as the second greatest challenge TCKs face. "But what do TCKs have to grieve about?" people often ask. "They’ve had such exciting lives." Yes, many have. For that very reason, some TCKs refuse to accept the idea that unresolved grief could possibly be an issue for them….While there is no single reason unresolved grief is a major-and often unrecognized-factor for countless TCKs, many of them experience grief because of the very richness of their lives. We only grieve when we lose people or things we love or that matter greatly to us, and most TCKs have much they love in their childhoods. Much of what they love-and then lose-however, are intangible parts of their world (e.g., the sights, sounds, and smells…). Other losses…are more tangible and certainly happen to non-TCKs as well, but as we have seen, for most TCKs the collection of significant losses and separations before the end of adolescence is often more than most people experience in a lifetime."

The other chapter talks about developing identity through the structure of the organisation the family works with, and the reason for living abroad. One TCK describes their life using this analogy:
I just build windows. When I’m in America, I activate the American window. When I’m in Germany, I activate the German window and the American window goes on the back burner-and so do the people in it.

I think that helped me see why, when I know I’m about to move, I can detach so very easily. It doesn’t make the move, or leaving, any easier, but it is automatic and even to some extent sub-conscious. I don’t say outloud that I will start detaching, but I know it happens.

Other than my family that read this, I don’t know if anyone has experienced growing up in a different culture to their parents, but if you did, I recomend this book. I would also suggest, if you are bringing your kids up in a different culture to the one you grew up in, read this book. A couple of times, while reading this book, I have stopped and had a clear realisation of, "oh, that’s why I do that." or, realising that I’m not the only one that thinks that way, or feels that way. This is one of the first times, I have had something in black and white to describe what I have felt and thought for so many years.

Following on from my sisters blog a few days ago about TCK’s I have a few more thoughts.

First, let me define a TCK or Third Culture Kid: 
A Third culture Kid is someone who’s parents are from one culture (America) and you live in another culture (UK) so therefore create your own culture - a blend of the two - a third culture.

Now, let me rant for a while and excuse me for it, but I need to vent.

Here are some things you should never say to a TCK when they re-enter their parents culture:

1) Welcome "Back Home"
2) Welcome "Back"
3) Welcome "Home"
OR
1) Are you glad to be "Home"
2) Are you glad to be "Back"
3) Are you excited to be "Back Home"

The answer I have been dying to give is simple. NO. This is not home and I am not BACK HOME, I have never lived here before in my life.

The one thing you can guarentee about a TCK and the one thing that no-one other than a TCK can understand is a TCK never feels at HOME anywhere. I realised this again today, when my 16 year old brother who has been back in America for 6 or 7 years now, told me that he still is referred to as the English kid at school.

Or, when my 25 year old brother who has lived in California for the last 5 or 6 years told me, I am not FROM California, I just LIVED there.

In three weeks of being in America, today for the first time, someone asked if we (Evan and I) were ready to be back in England. I wanted to kiss the man…and I had never met him before. Of course I want to be back in England (and I want to be here). Both places are home and both places are where I am from, but I have spent a great deal more time in England than in America, so to assume that in 3 simple weeks, I would be feeling "at home" that is just not going to happen. I expect in three years, I still won’t feel like this is home.

My home, I must say, is where Evan and I live together. Because I never feel quite as at home as I do when Evan and I are most comfortable and I know without a doubt that for the rest of my life that will be the one thing that remains consistent.